From Wei Yang:
A farmer was going to a pond to collect fruits in the bushes near it, then he saw two girls skinny bathing (bathing naked) in the pond. When the girls saw him coming, they said:" We ain't coming out until you go!" So the farmer said:" I'm just coming here to feed the crocs!"
A man was speeding on the road when a traffic police saw him, and caught him. So the man said that he had murdered a man and hid the corpse in the boot (rear). The traffic police called the station and called a few policemen. When they arrived, the policemen open the boot and found nothing. The man said:" See he is lying!!! I bet he told me that I was speeding too!!!"
One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?"
The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him.
She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
Two monks were captured by cannibals and were being boiled in a stew. Suddenly, one monk laughed, the other monk said, "We are going to die and you are still laughing?!" The other monk replied, "I just urined in the stew!!!!!"
A taxi driver was returning from work at midnight when he saw a girl on a deserted road, he stoped and asked her if she wanted a lift, the girl nodded her head. After she got him, the girl asked him to go to the nearby graveyard. Halfway to their destination, the driver checked the mirror, THE GIRL WAS NOT THERE!!!! He stopped the taxi and turned around, the girl was there smiling at her, so he continued his journey. Once again, he checked the mirror, the girl was not there again!!!! He stopped the taxi and turned around, the girl was there, staring suspiciously at him. So he continued driving. Then he he thought he should just check the mirror one more, and the girl was not there. Then, he braked hard and turned around. There, looking at him was the girl, her nose was bleeding and she stared at him. The bus driver turned white and fainted.
Later, the police arrived, they questioned the girl. The girl said, "I was going to see my boyfriend who lives opposited the graveyard, then I saw this taxi driver who was kind enough to give me a lift. Then I felt something in my nose, which I thought I had to dig out, but I did not want to do it in front of the driver, you know.
So I bent down and started digging it, then the taxi stopped. I sat up straight and smiled at the driver. When he continued, I started digging it again. Then the taxi stopped again, I sat up and stared at him suspiciously. Then he went on and so did I, the thing was going to come out but sundenly, the taxi braked so hard and my finger went into my nose and it started bleeding! I stared at the driver and he fainted!!!"
Three men were in a dungeon, a cruel king said if they could stuff 10 of a kind of fruit into their butt, he will set him free. He also said you could not show any emotions. The first man came back with bananas, he tried stuffing them into his butt but at the 5th banana, he whined in pain, he was killed, the next man came back with grapes, he stuffed them into his butt but at the 9th grape he laughed. He was also killed. In heaven, the two men met. The first man asked the second man why he laughed, the 2nd man said, "I could not help it, the other man came back with durians!!!!!"
A man rushed into the clinic, jumped on the doctors lap and counted to ten. "What the heck do you think you're doing?!" interupted the doctor, "Well, they said that I could count on you!" replied the man. A lady at the far end of the bar waves her arm in the air to get the attention of the waiter and by doing that, exposes her hairy armpit. Down the other end of the bar is a very drunk man who says "Hey, get the ballerina a drink would you."
"How do you know she's a ballerina?"
"Well, no one else would get their leg up that high." For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!" (If you don't get the idea of this joke, mail me.)
From Zhia Yang:
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of a ll the blonde jokes she’d hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all of the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals!" One of the guys said, "I don’t believe you." She said, "It’s true. Just test me!"
"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?" he asked.
"A," she answered, smugly.
P.S: Blondes are very dumb.
From Neville:
One Horrible day in January, three friends died in an accident. One was a lawyer, one was a technician and one was a poor beggar. The devil met them at the foot of Heaven. He asked them : " If you ask me a question or tell me to do something which I cannot answer or I cannot do, I will let you in to Heaven. If not, you will follow me to Hell."
The lawyer said : " Sign 3 million stacks of paper." The devil signed them all and the lawyer dropped down to Hell.
The technician said : "Fix 99999 million STACKS of computers." The devil fixed all the computers and the technician dropped down to Hell.
The beggar said: " Give me a chair. Cut nine holes in it. And make it snappy!" The devil thought, how bossy he is! Then, the beggar sat on the chair and farted.
The beggar asked : " Which hole did the fart come out from?"
The reply from the devil was : " This is damn easy. The third hole !"
The beggar laughed : " No! It came out from my ass-hole!" The beggar then went to Heaven and lived happily ever after. ( He lived as a dead person ! )
From Jaron:
A lady asked someone:" Am I pretty or ugly?"
The person said:"You're pretty ugly!"
How can three people die when someone drops down from a building?
When the person who dropped down is a pregnant lady and she hits someone passing by
A lady(and a fat one at that)complained:" Your weighing machine is spoilt!"
The person who owned the weighing machine asked:"Why is that so?"
The lady replied:"Whenever I use it, it always reads"one person at a time"!"
Rayner thought he found a new planet, on closer look, it was actually a very fat lady!WTH
Hope you guys like them!
A farmer was going to a pond to collect fruits in the bushes near it, then he saw two girls skinny bathing (bathing naked) in the pond. When the girls saw him coming, they said:" We ain't coming out until you go!" So the farmer said:" I'm just coming here to feed the crocs!"
A man was speeding on the road when a traffic police saw him, and caught him. So the man said that he had murdered a man and hid the corpse in the boot (rear). The traffic police called the station and called a few policemen. When they arrived, the policemen open the boot and found nothing. The man said:" See he is lying!!! I bet he told me that I was speeding too!!!"
One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?"
The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him.
She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
Two monks were captured by cannibals and were being boiled in a stew. Suddenly, one monk laughed, the other monk said, "We are going to die and you are still laughing?!" The other monk replied, "I just urined in the stew!!!!!"
A taxi driver was returning from work at midnight when he saw a girl on a deserted road, he stoped and asked her if she wanted a lift, the girl nodded her head. After she got him, the girl asked him to go to the nearby graveyard. Halfway to their destination, the driver checked the mirror, THE GIRL WAS NOT THERE!!!! He stopped the taxi and turned around, the girl was there smiling at her, so he continued his journey. Once again, he checked the mirror, the girl was not there again!!!! He stopped the taxi and turned around, the girl was there, staring suspiciously at him. So he continued driving. Then he he thought he should just check the mirror one more, and the girl was not there. Then, he braked hard and turned around. There, looking at him was the girl, her nose was bleeding and she stared at him. The bus driver turned white and fainted.
Later, the police arrived, they questioned the girl. The girl said, "I was going to see my boyfriend who lives opposited the graveyard, then I saw this taxi driver who was kind enough to give me a lift. Then I felt something in my nose, which I thought I had to dig out, but I did not want to do it in front of the driver, you know.
So I bent down and started digging it, then the taxi stopped. I sat up straight and smiled at the driver. When he continued, I started digging it again. Then the taxi stopped again, I sat up and stared at him suspiciously. Then he went on and so did I, the thing was going to come out but sundenly, the taxi braked so hard and my finger went into my nose and it started bleeding! I stared at the driver and he fainted!!!"
Three men were in a dungeon, a cruel king said if they could stuff 10 of a kind of fruit into their butt, he will set him free. He also said you could not show any emotions. The first man came back with bananas, he tried stuffing them into his butt but at the 5th banana, he whined in pain, he was killed, the next man came back with grapes, he stuffed them into his butt but at the 9th grape he laughed. He was also killed. In heaven, the two men met. The first man asked the second man why he laughed, the 2nd man said, "I could not help it, the other man came back with durians!!!!!"
A man rushed into the clinic, jumped on the doctors lap and counted to ten. "What the heck do you think you're doing?!" interupted the doctor, "Well, they said that I could count on you!" replied the man.
A lady at the far end of the bar waves her arm in the air to get the attention of the waiter and by doing that, exposes her hairy armpit. Down the other end of the bar is a very drunk man who says "Hey, get the ballerina a drink would you."
"How do you know she's a ballerina?"
"Well, no one else would get their leg up that high."
For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!" (If you don't get the idea of this joke, mail me.)
From Zhia Yang:
There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of a ll the blonde jokes she’d hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all of the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals!" One of the guys said, "I don’t believe you." She said, "It’s true. Just test me!"
"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska?" he asked.
"A," she answered, smugly.
P.S: Blondes are very dumb.
From Neville:
One Horrible day in January, three friends died in an accident. One was a lawyer, one was a technician and one was a poor beggar. The devil met them at the foot of Heaven. He asked them : " If you ask me a question or tell me to do something which I cannot answer or I cannot do, I will let you in to Heaven. If not, you will follow me to Hell."
The lawyer said : " Sign 3 million stacks of paper." The devil signed them all and the lawyer dropped down to Hell.
The technician said : "Fix 99999 million STACKS of computers." The devil fixed all the computers and the technician dropped down to Hell.
The beggar said: " Give me a chair. Cut nine holes in it. And make it snappy!" The devil thought, how bossy he is! Then, the beggar sat on the chair and farted.
The beggar asked : " Which hole did the fart come out from?"
The reply from the devil was : " This is damn easy. The third hole !"
The beggar laughed : " No! It came out from my ass-hole!" The beggar then went to Heaven and lived happily ever after. ( He lived as a dead person ! )
From Jaron:
A lady asked someone:" Am I pretty or ugly?"
The person said:"You're pretty ugly!"
How can three people die when someone drops down from a building?
When the person who dropped down is a pregnant lady and she hits someone passing by
A lady(and a fat one at that)complained:" Your weighing machine is spoilt!"
The person who owned the weighing machine asked:"Why is that so?"
The lady replied:"Whenever I use it, it always reads"one person at a time"!"
Rayner thought he found a new planet, on closer look, it was actually a very fat lady!WTH
Hope you guys like them!